hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Your cock deserves a montage
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
