getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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