i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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