I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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