I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
