True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's never too late to be topless.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
