Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
