Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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