some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think your dad took our porno
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
