Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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