I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
