Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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