I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
