So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
