life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
