im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
