Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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