I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
