Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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