yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
