update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
