I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
