I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
