First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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