I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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