I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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