the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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