i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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