the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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