I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i love accidental penises.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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