when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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