I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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