You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
