I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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