If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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