she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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