I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
