I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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