just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
