Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Randomize
