well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
