Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After last night, I could never be a politician.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this is an emotional support booty call
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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