I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
