I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
