i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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