Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
