i don't like sucking hair
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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