My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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