a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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