I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
