Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
