my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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