I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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