We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
