singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
