My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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